Kids scare the crap outta me

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As I laid in bed this morning, with the Snow Patrol going through my head, doing everything in my power to just “lay here”.  I really, REALLY, didn’t want to get out of my cozy bed.  I’m one of those guys that waits too long to go to bed, then pays for it in the morning. I’m like a child really. In fact, as a child, I was the same way. I would kick and scream to not go to bed, then, it would take my mom like 30 minutes to get me out of bed. I’m pretty sure she would just grab me by the ankle, drag me out from under my covers, down the hall, into the bathroom, or wherever else I needed to go until I woke up. I can actually remember sleeping in the hallway, because I was too tired to get ready for school.  Pretty sure I never energized myself with a healthy breakfast, and Lord knows you DON’T fall asleep on the bus, for fear of waking up with who knows what, who knows where. This must be why I have very little recollection of middle school.

But anyway, as I laid in bed this morning, I don’t know why, but my mind started thinking about things I’m scared of. Why would I think about this?  Perhaps it was the screaming children in the other room, fighting with each other instead of getting ready for school, perhaps it was that BBQ sandwich I had for lunch yesterday. I have no idea, but I started going down the list. What are my fears?  Not fears like death, commitment, algebra, not stupid stuff like that. I’m talking about phobias, stuff that freaks you out, and you have no idea why.

For instance, here are a few of mine.  I’m kind of afraid of the wide open ocean and mass nothingness.  It’s hard to explain. I can go on boats, I’ve been on cruises, but for some reason, at night, looking out in to the blackness of night, it makes me pee, just a little bit.   Remember that scene in Cast Away, SPOILER ALERT where Tom Hanks is on his homemade raft, and that whale just kind of pops up and then goes back down, and we see Hanks just sitting there on the raft, with the vast ocean behind him, and you know that frickin whale is going to pop back up and make that WHOOSH sound out of his blowhole again. Yeah, that petrified me. Then, the big ship goes by, yeah, heebie jeebies time.

But the thing that creeps me out the most, in any movie, and sometimes in real life…..kids.  Can’t stand them. Scare me to death. Let me explain.

I think it all goes back to an experience I had as a child, watching a precious little made for TV movie at my mammoss’s house, (yes, that’s what I called my maternal grandmother, mamoss. Don’t judge me, what should I have called her? Maternal Grandmother?), anyway, the movie was called SALEM’S LOT.  I don’t remember much about this 1979 Stephen King adaptation, but I do remember one, <gulp>, scene.  SPOILER ALERT It’s a funeral, for a young boy, probably about 7, which, coincidentally, was how old I was while watching this show, but don’t get me started on that little tidbit. The camera is showing this little brown haired boy, laying in his coffin, in his dark suit and dark tie. I don’t remember how he died, or if it was supposed to be a sad thing, but just as you’re getting comfortable with this child in the coffin, he raises up out of the coffin, like an ironing board folding back up into the wall.  His face comes right at the camera and it goes to black.  Yeah, pretty rough stuff for a 7 year old.

But it doesn’t stop there, a couple of years later, our little family is sitting around, watching the timeless family classic, The Shining. What is it with my family and Stephen King?  It’s those  $@&*^*# twin girls that just appear at the end of the hallways. Are you kidding me?  I’m 37 years old, and I still see those little girls at every hotel, hospital, school, office, grocery store, you name it, they’re there.

Remember the movie Flatliners?  Well, if you haven’t seen it, you need to. Without giving much detail, that guy you all worship as Jack Bauer? Well, I remember him as the 20something year old man, who got the living snot beat out of him by a 10 year old boy in a red hooded sweatshirt. There’s a scene where Jack Bauer is sitting in his car, and there is a wooded area behind him, and we’re just minding our own business, watching him sit in his car, when this flash of a child in a redhooded sweatshirt, darts across the woods behind him.  Jack Bauer owes me a clean pair of shorts.

Now, bring that to present day, I remember the first time I ever almost punched a 2 year old in the face.  I’m laying in bed, sleeping, you ever get that feeling, even when you’re sleeping, that you are being watched?  Well, I’m laying on my right side, facing the edge of the bed, and I start getting that feeling, out of a deep sleep, I feel the goosebumps go up my body, somebody is in the room.  Reluctantly, I open my not yet laser corrected eyes, and standing, right next to my bed, with a blank stare of death, is my 2 year old(at the time) son Brady. I swear to all things holy, I nearly hit him, and I may have peed a little.

This 2 year old is now 10, and over the years, his sleepwalking/talking has caused some hair raising moments.

There was the time I found him peeing in the garage, fast asleep.

There was the time that I wake up at 1 in the morning when I hear the front door open, and my son yelling something. I’m sorry, but when you hear your son screaming, after hearing the door open, in the middle of the night, sleepwalking isn’t the first thought you have. Well, he is out on our front porch, in the POURING rain, yelling for his mom to come back.  I grabbed him, and he looked at me with a look I have never seen before. It was the same look that kid from Pet Semetary(Stephen King again), had when he came back as an undead child. It’s a look of looking right at you, but right through you, all at the same time.  Finally, he came to, and said he had a dream that mom and his brother had run away, and he was out there to bring them back.

Then, there was the time I woke up at 2 or 3 in the morning, hearing talking coming from the living room, again, not comforting. I tiptoe down the hallway, not knowing if I’m walking in on Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, or the kid from Pet Semetary. Well, it was the kid from Pet Semetary, this time, he’s standing in the living room, having a conversation, with someone on the couch, who he must see, but I don’t. I’m trying to listen to what he’s saying, but it’s jibberish, thank God. Learning my lesson from the last time, I’m a little more gentle with grabbing him and taking him back to bed. He still gives me that look though.

I choose to believe my child sleepwalks/talks, and not, that he sees dead people.  Oh geesh, another movie full of creepy kids, Sixth Sense.  Maybe I watch too many movies.

But anyway, yeah, kids scare the crap outta me.

I’ll leave you with this, it’s one of my favorite quotes from Jack Handy:

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”

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7 thoughts on “Kids scare the crap outta me

  1. Shelley Stevenson

    lol That is exactly why I don’t watch scarey movies. Now clowns? They don’t bother me, but before MacKenzie was born I decorated her room with clowns. There was a huge one that was painted on her wall and ceiling. To this day she blames me for her fear of clowns. Have you seen the ads on TV recently that has that family outside of their front door afraid to go in because of the little clown that’s standing in the middle of their living room then suddenly it’s standing at their door? It’s hilarious.

  2. Daniele Bushong

    I did not need so many references to you peeing yourself. Just sayin’.
    I don’t watch scary movies. Maybe that makes me smarter than you.

  3. Laura Ware

    I wonder if he will out grow it. My hubby has crazy sleepwalking/sleeptalking episodes. I’ve found him outside before in the middle of the night. (oh and he doesn’t like me to tell people about it)

  4. wow, I didn’t know your kid sleepwalked. Weird. I’ve told you this before, but speaking of scary things at Mamoss’s house (or Meme as I called her), that mannequin really freaked me out for the longest period of time. That was my fear. That and Rainbow Brite.

  5. Sam Votaw

    My oldest son…now 17…used to sleepwalk quite frequently. We were at my mom’s house for Christmas when he was about 6. The adults were sitting in the breakfast room playing cards. Well, Zach walks in…sound asleep. We all starting laughing, quietly, as not to wake him – because it was quite entertaining – until her pulls down his pants and starts to pee on the Playstation that is in the floor. Steve grabbed him and ran to the potty. When he finished, he took him back to bed. Zach had no recollection of the event, and I’m sure he’d deny knowing anything about it if you asked him now. A few years before that, we had to use the kind of deadbolts that lock with a key from both sides because we would find him in the front yard at 3 am. I’m so glad that season is over! Sorry to hear that it still lingers at your friend Laura’s house. 🙂

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