The internet and I go way back, in fact, I can remember the day I met it. I was sitting in journalism class in college, and I was having a discussion with a friend of mine named Cameron. He asked me if I’d heard about this thing called, The World Wide Web. Immediately, I was curious.
When you hear that term now, World Wide Web, you automatically know what it means. In fact, it’s a little outdated now, and anyone who still calls it that, is a little behind the times. But in that cold, linoleum classroom, in 1995, it sounded fantastic. Cameron, who was from Orlando, was telling me how great it was, that he could read the Orlando newspaper, all the way from Tulsa, Oklahoma, every morning. This bummed me out a little bit, because, I’m from Tulsa, Oklahoma, so I didn’t need a magic box to help me read it.
So, I investigated this new found phenomenon a little further, and discovered this thing called America On Line. Now I had access to newspapers and pictures and information, all at the click of a mouse, and all at an affordable hourly rate.
As time wore on, I became somewhat adept at this new found technology. By 1998, I was writing articles on line for an extension of AOL Sports called “Real Fans”. They had team pages for all of the professional and college teams, in every sport. I was the “Team Club Writer” for the Oklahoma Sooners and the Tennessee Oilers. I did all of this, for no compensation.
This was before the days of message boards and blogs, but it was basically a precursor to all of that. I was with Real Fans when they were bought out by CBS Sportsline, and I did weekly reports from 1998-2000, under the CBS Sports banner. I was an unpaid pro, giving my opinions on anything from National Signing Day to the NFL Draft. I was now an expert.
AOL was quickly becoming an unnecessary tool in the internet world, and the Team Clubs died off one by one, replaced by Message Boards, operated by local independent companies. My sportswriting career was over.
However, my message board career was launched. So, for about 8 years, I was that guy on the message boards who knew it all. Then, I met facebook.
Now, instead of blabbering to strangers, I could do it to real live, actual people who I know in what some call, real life. I know it’s cool to not like facebook. I know that it has it’s detractors, and that’s fine. But, nowhere else on earth, is there physical proof, that I actually have 543 friends.
All joking aside, thanks to facebook, I have reconnected with people I haven’t seen or talked to in 20 years or more. Come to find out, it’s pretty impossible to keep in touch with everyone you’ve ever known, and facebook sort of allows you to do that, even if it’s just to say hello to someone once or twice, here and there. It’s also allowed me to connect with people who I didn’t even know. People who are friends of friends. Or, friends of friends’ friends. It’s crazy. Some of my favorite people on facebook, are people I’ve never even actually met, or, have only met once or twice, or, haven’t seen in YEARS.
Not long after I signed up for facebook, I learned about status updates. This was the opportunity to just say what was on your mind, when it was on your mind. Or, if something crazy just happened to you, it instantly gave you something to share it with.
Over time, I’ve had one or two status updates that made people laugh, or cry, or throw shoes at their computer, or, drop me from their friends list. That’s ok, a lot of times, I’m just looking for a reaction or a response, good or bad. It’s a good place for me to poke fun at myself or just tell stories, many of which, are actually true.
So, all of that to say, I’ve been asked to compile a list of my favorite status updates, so, that’s what I’m going to do. You guys know how I am about lists, so this should come as no surprise.
So, this week, I present to you, a random sampling, of 30 facebook status updates that I’ve written. Forgive me if you’ve heard them before. If you’d like more, comment below, and I may post more next time.
Here you go:
“The only difference between bravery and stupidity, is the result. ”
“ I just took a $5 bill to Subway, and it wasn’t enough. What’s that about? ”
“ I have either gone back in time, or facebook is acting up. I’m hoping for the former, but have a feeling it’s the latter. I’ve got my Dharma jumpsuit just in case. ”
“ There is no such thing as a bad idea, only bad marketing. ”
“ If your dreams make sense out loud, then you’re not dreaming big enough. ”
“ I need a haircut, and a dental appointment. There should be a salon where you can get both done in the same chair, at the same time. ”
“ My 5 year old (Quizically): “Dad, is your beard made out of hair?” “That’s strange.” ”
“ Sorry I’m late, I had a meeting with The Breakfast Club who all looked very Pretty in Pink. We always arrive with a candle, so in all, there are 16 candles. Today though, it was Ferris Bueller’s Day off, so he wasn’t there, he was left Home Alone on his Vacation playing Mr. Mom, because he had no Planes, Trains or Automobiles to get him there. I prefer the Great Outdoors, which are Some Kind of Wonderful. (EDITED) ”
“ When did also possessing a bag of chips become a sign of one’s coolness being increased? ”
“ I have come to the realization that there are things I need to realize, and this is one of them. ”
“ Why is the phrase, “A dime a dozen”, always used in a derogatory sense? I don’t care who you are, 12 things for a dime is a smokin good deal. So now, anytime somebody refers to something as being “a dime a dozen”, I’m like SWEET, get me some! ”
“ Sometimes, a man finds his destiny, on the very road he chose to avoid it. ”
“ Somebody want to tell me how a 5 year old, standing 3 inches from a toilet, can miss it ENTIRELY!? ”
“ I’m giddy, but not in a Jr. High girl kind of way. ”
“ Hideaway Pizza Paradise Pie, the poor thing never saw it coming. ”
“ Let me go on, like a blister in the sun, let me go on………it’s kinda like that. ”
“ Hey Year One, it wasn’t the sacrilege and the blasphemy that bothered me, it was the unfunniness. ”
“ Is it wrong that the boss is now referring to me as Sexy Smurf? And by boss, I don’t mean my wife. She already knew I was sexy. And by was, I don’t mean used to be. Where am I going with this? ”
“ I’m 6’1, 215 lbs. of just rock solid awesome, but yet, I burn 2 square centimeters of my finger, and it cripples me. ”
“ I have the bladder of a 93 year old pregnant woman. I guess I need to start paying attention to some of those embarrassing commercials. ”
“ It’s quiet in the office today. Most everyone is at a conference learning how to be a leader. Those of us who already know how to lead, are left here holding up the fort. ”
“ Just to be clear. I don’t have the flu(swine, bird, alligator, etc.), I’m not drunk or hungover, I am on drugs, but not the street kind, well, sort of. I had a date with destiny today, my friends. I took one for the team. The pool has been drained, and the swimmers are dead. ”
“ I think if McDonalds used the money they spent on plastic for happy meal toys, to feed the children of the world, the world’s hunger problem would be solved. I mean, I could feed Western Europe with just what I have stepped on this morning. ”
“ I think The Bachelor was created by a couple of frat brothers who thought there would be enough dumb women in America to sign up to fight each other over them. ”
“ I remember when the people on that show thirtysomething, seemed really old. That’s not funny to me anymore. ”
“just realized that while typing on a friend’s page, I used “their” when I should have used “they’re”. You can not comprehend how much this bothers me.”
“ I don’t have hell in me, but if I did, Adam Lambert would annoy it out of me. ”
“ If you’re looking for the sun, it’s on my face. ”
“ thinks it’s sad that the only time some people have great things said about them, is at their funeral. I think there should be such a thing as living eulogies. ”
“ They say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I disagree. If something almost kills you, and you are bedridden for say, 11-14 months, and you can not walk, you have in fact, become weaker. In fact, when this phrase is used, chances are, whatever didn’t kill you, actually DID make you weaker. ”